Thirty Years of Being Forty Years Apart

Exploring Life's Lessons with My Dad

A lot of people say that I have many similarities with my father. Not only do we share the same birthday, but they also say that our facial features are quite similar. I would say that we’re very close to each other personally. We talk a lot about work and food, but, like a typical father-daughter relationship, we rarely discuss our feelings. I didn’t realize that our likeness goes beyond our appearance and date of birth until a call with my mother a couple of weeks ago. In summary, both my father and I perceive things more logically compared to my mother and younger brother.

We tend to put aside our feelings and focus on finding solutions to the obstacles ahead, even though it doesn't sit well with us. Our people-pleaser side compensates for all the uneasiness with the hope of keeping our surroundings unbothered and happy while we bottle up our actual feelings. In typical situations, there is no problem with this attitude. But once we bottle up all our emotions, we find it difficult to express them because we are concerned that it will disturb others. So, we just retreat and try to dissolve into ourselves. We fail to function and don’t want to meet people because we’re too afraid that we’re going to explode in front of them. And yes, we’re just spiraling down, haha.

On a brighter note, we have people around us who remind us to pick ourselves back up and continue where we left off. My father has proved this a couple of times throughout my childhood. Not only did he support his own family, but he also took in his father and youngest brother. He dealt with all their needs and specific issues until both passed away. After his office was looted during the traumatic 1997 riots, he set aside his pride to work with a good friend of his in order to provide for our family. Now, he is recovering from both physical and mental challenges. He has paddled through each obstacle and demonstrated to me that I can also get through it, just like him. Of course, like all of us, he’s far from perfect. But I can clearly pick up some wisdom that he unconsciously taught me over the past thirty years through his small signature gestures:

1. Remember the names of the waitstaff for a wonderful dining experience.
   Whether at an intimate restaurant with dedicated staff for each table or a bustling Chinese noodle shop where we shared a table with others, he always remembered to ask the name of the person taking our order and used it repeatedly. Going beyond the transactional nature of ordering food (and occasionally asking for extra chili sauce), we ended up becoming friends with them. Calling someone by their name establishes a more personal connection, which warms up the interaction. We rarely go to fine dining restaurants, but we gained knowledge about the culinary industry by simply spending an extra three minutes with them.
   
   I’m quite impressed by how my dad is willing to learn from his surroundings, regardless of age or title. While everyone races to impress the bosses, he also befriends the staff, especially those who are directly in contact with us. His interesting knowledge comes from these staff members, who often provide us with more objective and detailed insights.

   

   Mandatory picture after making new friends at the theme park, lol

2. You don’t need expensive clothes to look nice; the right fit and color are key.
   He emphasized wearing clothes that fit perfectly and provide comfort for any occasion. Like any other self-discovery, he introduced me to different cuts and colors to help me find what works best for me. The more varieties we tried, the better we understood what works and what doesn’t. I’m grateful for the way he taught me this discovery method rather than simply pointing out right and wrong. It’s true that sometimes you might need to pay a higher price for pieces with better materials or cuts. But rather than paying a premium mainly for a brand, the clothes should emphasize your own personality instead.

3. Go the extra mile in providing comfort to your loved ones.
   It’s undeniable that ‘acts of service’ are my dad’s strongest love language. From arriving two hours early at church to secure a comfortable seat for my mom (he would leave once she arrived since he’s a Buddhist) to preparing my favorite snacks the moment I got home, he thought of everything down to the smallest detail. I’m not saying we need to do something similar, but I really appreciate his determination to set aside his typical pride and ego to show his affection toward his loved ones. In an era where we can get help for almost everything on an ‘as-a-service’ basis, I tend to outsource my gifting tasks without realizing how much the value of gifts has diminished as they lost their biggest component: the personal touch. I’m glad that this writing reminded me of this as we prepare for the festive season.

After years of quietly attributing my lack of perseverance and grit to the pampering I received from him, I've come to a place of understanding. Rather than seeing his influence as a hindrance, I now recognize it as an opportunity for learning. The quirky habits that once irritated me now evoke a sense of warmth and nostalgia, prompting me to reflect on the strength of character I aspire to cultivate. Happy belated birthday, Dad! :)

Cheers to more good foods!