Notes During The Typhoon
A quick reflection on the kind of friend I'm aspiring to be
The once-in-a-blue-moon typhoon got me stuck in my hotel in Suzhou. I kept on checking the weather forecast and compared the weather here with Hangzhou and Suzhou. I wanted to know that my decision to keep Suzhou in my travel itinerary was right. As you would’ve expected, it was not the case, haha. The city is among the worst spots to stay during that period of time because it’s located at the eye-wall of the storm. There was only a bit of a drizzle in Hangzhou and the wind in Shanghai was not as strong as in Suzhou.
But it reminded me of my favorite Jay-Z interview - the one with Dean Baquet of the New York Times. The fact that I shared this more than five times to different groups can tell how much this piece has been stuck on my brain for a couple of years. He actually mentioned this in response to the question about how his collaboration album with Beyonce has helped him recover his marriage. He used a hurricane as the analogy to the process:
The best place in the, you know, hurricane is like in the middle of it. We were sitting in the eye of that hurricane. The best place is right in the middle of the pain. And that's where we were sitting. And it was uncomfortable. And we had a lot of conversations.
Even though his context was more on marriage, the same concept can be applied to different life situations. Scientifically speaking, it is true that the eye of the hurricane itself is relatively calm and safe, while the most destructive part of it is the wind wall surrounding the eye. Even though it's highly destructive, there will be no eye of the storm without its eye wall. Despite having our own inborn traits, there's no way our current personality is not affected by our surroundings, especially by our closest ones. Initially, I put this writing in the perspective of the person in the eye of the storm. But my recent live situation had me thinking a lot about my role as a friend - one of the crowds in the wind wall. Has I been a good wind wall for my friends?
I am forever grateful to be surrounded in a healthy environment according to society. I’d say my friends and I are career and family-oriented. We encourage each other to keep on growing and unleash our potential. We're pretty much moving toward a similar trajectory. But things started to get more interesting when I sort of went out of track. My life path forced me to take some time to readjust my career strategy. I was out of phase. Fortunately, my friends stick with me. They constantly checked on me and pointed out all the opportunities that I can explore. But I can't deny the fact that I also found out a new dimension of loneliness in this circumstance.
Not sure if I was being too demanding towards my relationship, but apparently I still felt lonely despite being surrounded by such caring and supportive friends. The feeling of 'irrelevance' creeped in from time to time, as if I was left on the platform while everyone else were continuing their train journey. And, the scariest thing in my conversation was when I need to share what I was up to, since it felt anything but significant.
Honestly, I still don't know how to be a better friend in this situation. Loneliness might be a must-have for people in my situation. What I was experiencing might not be a big deal for a lot of people, but I personally felt that it's enough for me to be called an 'adverse situation'. But I guess I shouldn't just feel sad and complain about this whole situation. I made this note as a reminder of how uncomfortable this feeling is, so that later in the future, I can be a better friend for those who are dealing in a similar situation.
It's quite embarrassing how I used to internally judge people in this situation as if they're not trying hard enough, too picky, or too inflexible. Especially, if I thought I'm close enough with them to know their background. Now that I can easily tick 'all the above' of those judgments, I realize that most of the time, I may not judge a book by its cover, but I judge it by the foreword and assuming to know what the ending will be. In this situation, I understand the feeling of despair and anxiety, combined with a sheer desire to savor this period of idleness. I never thought that living with more flexibility will be this stressful if I am still yet to have a firm life goal.
I could not point out a particular friend to be set as a good role model, but there are some common comforting qualities in them that I want to acquire. As much as they want to show how good they are, sometimes letting themselves be vulnerable during our interaction can bring our relationship to the extra mile. Beside making the conversations go deeper, trusting their friends with their true selves give a sign of trust to their counterpart, which is one of the best gifts of a relationship.
And the hardest yet most important one for me, is to provide enough space for my friends to express their thoughts and feelings with the curiosity of a child - to attentively listen and read in between the lines and try to understand the whys and hows behind it. I learn that they are not worried about losing themselves or losing the argument by acknowledging others' thoughts. Instead, it allows them to express themselves in a more pleasant way, even though we might have a totally contradicting view.
Just like the strong wind wall surrounding the eye of the storm, I want to provide a safe space for my loved ones to see their truest self. But, different from the wall, as much as I want to suck them into believing what I thought to be true, I still want them to center their feelings around themselves. My best wish for my loved ones is for them to be happy. And I believe that happiness is a universal right, yet its trigger is highly personal. Therefore, I hope I can be a comfortable companion for them to proceed toward the direction that can uncover the best version of themselves.
Michelle’s on Repeats
Interview 📹
Jay-Z and Dean Baquet, in Conversation - As mentioned above, this New York Times interview uncovered different sides of the legendary artist. His deep view on politics, humanity, and relationship is a good starter for our own reflection.
Running Route 🏃♀️
Bowen Road Fitness Trail, Hong Kong - this 4KM flat trail is my weekend favorite in the city. With just less than 15 minutes hike to the trail, you can enjoy the infamous skyline at either a tranquil morning or a stunning sunset.
Simple Breakfast (or Dinner) 🥪
Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich - A slightly healthier alternative to the classic jelly version. Applying different types of honey can give different twist to it, but turns out my favorite one is still the most basic acacia honey.